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Sunday, March 29

More proof that America doesn't get it (alternate title: Baseball in the F.D.G.)

by Mike on Sun 29 Mar 2009 11:35 AM EDT

Baseball season is almost here, and at Fifth Third Ballpark in Comstock, Michigan, the West Michigan Whitecaps and their ballpark owners Fifth Third Bank are rolling out a new item at the concession stand this year. The "Fifth Third Burger" boasts 1.66 pounds of beef (that's 5/3 pounds, folks) and it's topped with 5 slices of cheese, lettuce, tomato, salsa, sour cream, chili and Fritos. It takes a whole pound of dough to make the eight-inch sesame seed bun. All together, the Fifth Third Burger is around 4,800 calories, which is something like two days worth of the recommended caloric intake for a 20 year-old with an average build.

So, is this the best time to tout our own decadence given our current situation? Before you make the drive to Comstock for your own Fifth Third Burger, here are a few things to contemplate:

The global financial system is still on the brink of collapse as the world economy continues to contract. Our financial institutions are in a state of ruin. Fifth Third Bancorp (a.k.a Fifth Third Bank, if you're keeping tabs on this stuff) lost over $10 billion in the past 12 months.

In early March 2009, American unemployment hit a 25-year high. According to a recent article from cnnmoney.com, more than 3.3 million jobs were lost in the past six months.

Addiction and depression rates are continuing to rise as economic conditions worsen.

Adults and children continue to suffer from treatable illnesses while our healthcare system remains in a seemingly perpetual state of disrepair.

Well, despite all of the information above, if you're bold enough – and hungry enough – to step up to the plate and gorge yourself in the spirit of excess and gluttony, the Fifth Third Burger is your destiny. For those who are able to polish off this slop bucket on a platter all by yourself, a free t-shirt is the much-coveted prize that awaits you.

And given the current course of our economy, that t-shirt will come in quite handy when all you have left are the proverbial "clothes on your back."